Month: February 2016

Asking More of Myself, for Myself – I Want it All

Why does it feel so wrong sometimes to ask for more? Is this about me, or about the situation?

I think I usually ask a lot of myself. I set relatively high standards for myself. Keyword: relatively. Maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to ask for more if, relatively, I felt what I contribute is average. But when I look at myself in comparison to others, beyond naivety, I do more. So since I do more, should I not receive more? Or, at least, receive the same?

I brought up this topic of lack of compensation 2-3 years ago. It was heard but not acted upon, and I thought maybe that was just a sign that I was just not contributing that much compared to what was expected. Since then, I’ve tried to observe more, to see maybe I was just naive in my expectations. But time went by, and I feel even more confident in my first observations.

I do more. I am asked to do more. I am expected to do more because of the more I’ve done previously.

But I still receive less.

Even so, why do I feel pressured not to ask for more?

This pressure is from my internal thought processes, some form of conditioning. Maybe humility, maybe temperance, maybe conformity, maybe avoiding confrontation, maybe a sense that I am still receiving more than unemployed and homeless.

Relatively, I receive more than a lot of people too.

How do we determine what is the right amount? Is there even such a thing?

Is what I earn reflective of what I need? Or is what I earn an indication of what my contributions are worth? Is what I earn determined by how long I’ve been working? Or is what I earn based on what my work produces?

I’ve considered the idea of doing less, of lowering the expectations of myself, so that I will feel less distance between my merit and my earning. But I still want to do more. I must do more. I want to continue to do more, because there are larger things to Win, first for myself, and then for others. I want to ask for more, despite the internal struggles of not wanting to ask for more.

I ask more of myself, for myself. It’s myself who I should first rely on, who I must take care of.

“There is no time to hesitate,

and although I’m feeling scared,

I want it all.” – Bis

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